If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The three genders.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Just a bush.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.