wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Would you wear it?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here