hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.