[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
broke down and did it
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.