True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.