me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.