Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.