The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.