Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.