Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅