“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Ha
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this