I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.