*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The photographer’s assistant
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Message from the dog groomers
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
ibopfufen
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich