We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You Might Also Like
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.