Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus