When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
road rage
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed