NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
You Might Also Like
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.