If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
all bases covered
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.