We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.