Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.