YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Check your privilege
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.