I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.