[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?