My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018