Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.