I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
i wish we could shoplift online
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
it be like that
![]()
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working