“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Duck typos.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”