got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke