I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
New Tinder profile.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Are we there yet?…
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee