Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
HERE’S MARKY
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Oh thanks BBC.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]