Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Sign at work today
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.