6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
You Might Also Like
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
listen closely
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*