Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
You Might Also Like
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out