Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
#SaturdayBears
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My time has come.