[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being