Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!