There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
accurate
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!