Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
FINE, I WON’T.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.