I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…