*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.