Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.