Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.