“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit