customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
5 ways to appear taller
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more