Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign