Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face