does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
broke down and did it
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph