[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Social distancing in Australia:
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
WTF
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.