[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Buck naked
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?