🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The days of good grammer has went
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.